Dishari Mukherjee
Addiction vs Her
Stories are a great way for people to learn about the intimacy of addiction and the struggles involved in trying to stay sober. Some get a second or third chance and some do not. (Intimacy of Addiction: Depths of Betrayal) by Randy Shively and Leo Petrilli “Addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer” (Haroutunian, 2013, p.30)
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The field of addiction has progressed in the last five to ten years to forge a new pathway, with a modern definition of addiction: Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors (American Society of Addiction Medicine, 2011).
Cierra Reasoner, 26, was introduced to drugs at the age of 11 by her parents when they lived in Florida. Her parents used drugs recreationally for most of her childhood. She tried to protect her younger sister and herself as she was growing up. "Cierra felt afraid of the people that visited her parents, and said she was raped by one of her dad's friends when she was a child." Later in life Cierra’s mom confronted her that it became hard for the parents to manage the kids and they chose to drug Cierra as they were losing control over her. Since then, the life she can remember has been under the influence of drugs. After her parents moved to Athens, Ohio they got divorced. According to Cierra she never had a chance to pursue her carrier, nor did she choose to marry. She lost custody of her first child to the father and has never been allowed to meet her child. However now Cierra lives with her mom whenever she is not in rehab. Her mom has custody of Cierra’s other two kids. All three of Cierra's children have different fathers. Living with Cierra’s mom gives her a chance to be with her kids. Cierra has been fighting her own battle with drugs since her childhood and has been in and out of rehab multiple times.
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“I can’t remember my childhood or adolescence without drugs. I don’t remember having the capacity of thinking or understanding life, most of the time while growing up I was under the influence of drugs.” Cierra said. “I want to raise my kids and give them a great life. I also want to marry and feel loved like everyone out there, but I lose it to drugs.”
"I am afraid… I have overdosed thrice. My friends found me blue in the shower and that's how they saved me. I know I want to live. Palpitation’s, restlessness…. depression makes me go back to it. I feel calm and at peace when I do it. Though it doesn’t last long, and you would want to do it again. It’s like a continues cycle to survive and not give up life. The irony is you give up your life either doing drugs….by overdosing or not doing it…that’s when your mental health doesn’t let you live. You die one way or the other" - Cierra Reasoner
Cierra sits on a couch with her 3-year-old Leonidas William Denny inside of her mother's apartment in Athens, Ohio. “My kids crave for my attention. They fight with each other for my attention. Sometimes they even try to lock me in their room so that I stay. No matter how much I try my mind and body gives up and I find myself doing drugs again. Relapses doesn’t let me live clean,” said Cierra. Cierra does not have her own apartment, and lives with her mother.
Cierra uses a syringe while attempting to inject herself with methamphetamine inside of her mother's apartment in Athens, Ohio. “With years the veins become hard, the process of injecting gets harder. Sometimes I see blood all over the couch. I try hiding it from my kids and mom. Mom figures it out sometimes," said Cierra.
A syringe rests on Cierra's legs as she sits in her mother's bathtub after unsuccessful attempts to inject methamphetamines in Athens, Ohio. ​“The addiction destroyed all of my childhood, my best years and took my kids away from me,” said Cierra. “I lost custody of all my three kids and now I have nowhere to live by myself. My mom has the custody of two of my kids and that’s how I get to see them and live with them. I wanted to study psychology as a kid. I realized at a very young age that I had a different childhood than other kids. I wanted to understand my parents and help them live a clean life.”
Cierra’s mother, Angel Hayman, 43, checks on Cierra inside of her apartment in Athens, Ohio. “I understand that I made a mistake, I was young when I had Cierra, but I try to help her out now from the rabbit hole. I try to take care of her kids, but nothing seems to work," said Angel.
Cierra’s children Angel Moon Reasoner, 5, left, and Leonidas William Denny, 4, play in Cierra's mother's living room in Athens, Ohio. “They are lonely, they miss having a mom," said their grandmother Angel Hayman. "I don’t find answers to their questions related to their mom most of the time. I try not to entertain their hope or not to give them any false expectations about their mother. I try preparing them for the worst…. though I know I am not ready for the worst."
Cierra rests her head against her 3-year-old son Leonidas William Denny inside of her mother's apartment in Athens, Ohio. Shortly after, Cierra disappeared, her mother Angel Hayman said. “Leo always wants to come with me when I leave the house, even when I go down to my car," Cierra said. "He feels that he will lose me again."
Angel Heyman plays with her 5-year-old granddaughter Angel Moon Reasoner, in her apartment in Athens, Ohio. “They love people very easily," said Angel. "They don’t let go of my friends when they come for a visit. These kids are always craving for attention."
Cierra’s mother Angel Heyman speaks with her ex-husband while searching for Cierra, who has stopped communicating with her, in Athens, Ohio. Cierra has previously stayed with her father who supplied her with drugs, Angel said. “The kids can’t accept not having their mother around," Angel. "They are scared each time we go to look for her...They search for Cierra along with me.”
Angel Moon Reasoner, 5, left, and Leonidas William Denny, 4, cry in the back of Cierra's car as they leave a park in Athens, Ohio. “I don’t know how to raise kids," said Cierra. "I can’t make decisions for myself or how to cope with my situation, my problems. I try…. I never had an opportunity to learn like other mothers. It’s hard to stay alive when I am clean. I run out of Suboxone; it doesn’t help me completely even when I am on it.”
